Catch Up Lady

The Crapper: I'm Catching Shit For Not Blogging About "Funny" Things Edition

Behold, The Crapper - where I dump all the random post-lets that couldn't stand on their own.

"I'm Never Drinking Again" - My bestfriend totally called BS on me this morning when I uttered that famous phrase, "I'm never drinking again."  She then challenged me to guestimate how many times she herself had heard those words pass my lips, days - sometimes hours - before returning to the bottle.  I figure: 10 years of friendship --->52 weekends ----> 1 awful hang over a month for the last five "grown up years" and 5 a month during the first five collegiate years ---->  Um, I can't do the math with my hangover - let's be real.  But it's a lot, and if there isn't a comma in the final number then just tack on more until you get there.

Voicemail FAIL - Ok, I am totally fucking sick of the voicemail prompt at the end of people's personal greetings.  "When you are finished recording you may press 1 for more options.  To leave a call back number, press 5."  Yeah, thanks, collectively as a society we have the whole press 1 for more options thing down.  And what the hell is a call back number anyway?  Do you know ANYONE that has ever used that feature?  The number is on your god damn call log.  I want this whole situation remedied as you can tell from my use of multpile profanities.  Can you hear me now?

Cold Case - I love this show, but the opening music scares the ever loving crap out of me.  It's essentially just this person wailing in an absurdly scary, my murder case hasn't been solved for over 20 years kind of way.  It seriously makes my skin crawl and I always attempt to mute before too much damage is done.  Check it out, but don't say I didn't warn you.

The Crapper: Ridiculous Sign Edition

Alright kidoodles.  It's time for another edition of The Crapper, where I dump all the random shit I can't turn in to its own post. 

This Crapper revolves around hilarious signage that I've seen over the last few weeks.

3rd Place...
Keep Your Patriotic Hands Off My Patriotic Memorabilia.  KThanksBye. 
(Spotted at Hook in Georgetown)

Runner Up...
Thank You Kind Sirs, For Protecting Me From Mike Myers My Fellow Hotel Guests.
(Spotted at the Hyatt in Dearborn, MI)

First Place...
But Are There Heaters?
(Spotted at Mr. Smith's in Georgetown)

The Crapper - Christmas Edition

Ah, the Christmas Crapper!  I poop on you!

• Ann Arbor: Home Sweet Home.  One of the things I love about coming home at the holidays is reconnecting with all my friends who have left Ann Arbor that I rarely see.  Not to mention the abundance of ridiculous events I can choose to attend like Turkey Bowl at the local bowling alley or the Townie Pub Crawl, which is lead by a trio of siblings from one of the most hilarious neighborhood families who wear shirts like "Ann Arbor Townie: Here Today, Here Tomorrow" and/or their high school letter jackets for the evening (all graduated from Ivy League schools and hold at least 1 graduate degree.)  And then there are the after hours hang outs, like The Barber Shop.  I'm not even going there.

• My Brother, The International Businessman. So, my 23 year old brother is returning for his final semester at MSU having just finished a 6 month co-op thingy with Toyota and accepting a job at one of the largest privately held manufacturing companies in the world where is he making way more money than I think a recent college grad should (but really, good for you!)  I was going through the family mail committing federal offenses by opening Christmas cards not addressed to me and was surprised to see my brother had two - one from his new company signed by like 10 people stating how eager they were for him to come on board this summer, and the other from his custom tailor in Hong Kong.  Custom tailor in Asia?!  Somehow I missed the critical step in my career where I procure a custom tailor from the far East.  Fuck.

•    New Log, Yullllle Love Hate it! The televised Yule Log made its debut in 1966 on WPIX New York, and despite a 12 year hiatus the Yule Log has been performing well in its time slot since its return in 2001.  This year the Tribune Company decided to update the Yule Log.  The old log is at left, the new at right.  Is it just me or does he new log looks like the scene of a backwoods arson?  Is that a felled telephone pole?  I guess I'm a Yule Log purist. (via CBS Sunday Morning)

The Crapper - Craigs List Edition

My friend who will be DC bound (after the election tomorrow night - we hope!) recently had occasion to peruse Craigs List listings for two bedroom apartments in District of Columbia.  Here's the straight crap on apartment hunting on Craigs List...

• No Picture, No Problem - Um, it's 2008.  Practically every electronic device save your remote control takes a picture.  Snap some shots of your craptastic apartment before you put it up on Craigs List or I'm NOT COMING TO SEE IT.

• The Catch All Listing - Don't you love those listings that say things like, "This apartment is perfect for college students, working professionals and retirees."  So basically that leaves...?  Listen, if the apartment that appealed to me as a college student appeals to me as a retiree I have a VERY serious problem.

• The Judging - OK, people totally judge listings based on the furniture of the current tenant.  Some apartments are so sweet you see past the use of wicker furniture indoors and actually trek to see the place - but not many. Sometimes I wish I were a deeper person.

The Crapper - Things That Make You Go Hmmm Edition

Wait no longer for the post where I dump all the crap I can't blow out into it's own entry.  This Crapper will focus on marginally ridiculous signage I've seen recently.

Eff You Too US Airways - So, in case you haven't flown US Airways recently you should know that they now charge you $2 for ANY drink you purchase on board.  The only thing I find more ridiculous than the charge, is how the company has positioned it.  "Enjoy a beverage on board from $2."  Thanks a lot, but I'm pretty sure I was enjoying them for FREE before.  Am I supposed to feel good about this "amenity"?  (Note I saw this sign at airport check in, right before I was hit up for another $15 to check my bag on an international flight.  Classic.  I crap on you US Airways!)

25% Organic! - While waiting in line last night at Chipotle I was reading a sign they had posted noting that this ingredient and that ingredient were organically farmed or raised.  Then I got to this head scratcher, "25% of our black and pinto beans are organically grown."  Since as far as I know you can't specifically choose to order from that 25% lot, I'm assuming that 1 in 4 of the beans I eat are organic and the others... aren't?  Uhhh, am I in danger or something?

Obama Support Abroad - In Bermuda last week I saw several cars with Obama stickers on them.  From what I could tell most of the supporters were native Bermudians whose voices would not be heard in November's election.  In America, we call those people citizens of the District of Columbia.

EDIT 10/16:  The Obama reference is not meant to be condscending towards those abroad who follow US elections, or support a candidate.  Please read my comment below!

The Crapper - Washington, DC Edition

In this post, I crap on DC.

• Cobblers.  One of my ex-roommates from Boston just moved to DC and we were lamenting the complete and total absence of qualified cobblers in the District.  In Boston there is a cobbler on like every block in the Financial District and they can fix anything.  Got a pink shoe that needs polishing?  Come back in an hour.  Your shoe fell in the garbage disposal? Come back in an hour.  In DC *if* you can find a cobbler they laugh at you if you ask them to do anything more than polish or re-heel some tragic black shoe.  I mean literally like, "ohhh, haha, I can't fix that. You'll never walk again."  Unless I move back to Boston.

• Pardon My Luxury Vehicle.  One of the hilarious things about Georgetown is that people street park their luxury vehicles.  I don't worry about my Mini getting jacked, because there are always Mercedes, BMWs and Audis within eyesight.  The best part about all of this is watching these drivers try to do the "tight squeeze" past a dump truck, moving van or some other large vehicle taking up most of the road in a back street in Gtown.  These luxury drivers will have like a foot and a half on either side and just SIT there. Paralyzed with fear that they'll scrape their car (that they street park.)  Every week I see a poor garbage truck man get out and actually navigate some idiot driver through a hole big enough for a tour bus. 

• "Located Near the Whole Foods."  I was recently looking at apartment listings on Craigs List and it cracks me up how "near the Whole Foods" has become like a total panacea for an apartment listing that may be in a questionable neighborhood.  On 13th street next to the free AIDS clinic?  But you're just a 3 minute walk to 'Whole Foods!  This rationalization is GREAT for parents as well.  Got a parent who is nervous about your move to Columbia Heights?  Tell them you're behind a Whole Foods and I gaurantee they'll feel better.  Even if there was a drive by there the day before. 

The Crapper - Olympic Edition

That's right people.  You can crap in Beijing just like you can everywhere else.  A few thoughts after nearly a week:

* BYOF - The Olympics in China seem to be a BYOF (Bring Your Own Flag) event.  I didn't bring much USA garb figuring I could buy the requisite flags, tatoos and stickers once I got here.  I thought wrong.  Unless you're cheering for China, or want to carry a Beijng 2008 flag you are generally SOL.  Today I finally found some USA Flags at the Olympic Superstore on the Green, so I am ready to rock for Friday morning when I'll see Phelps (hopefully) swim for his sixth gold.

* I'll Get You Rohit, And Your Little Dog Too - As I mentioned in a previous post, Rohit is taking a lot of serious phots on this trip.  They're really very good, if you have time check out his Flickr gallery I highly suggest it.  Rohit is generally against hilarious photos of the Catch Up Lady variety.  But I seem to wear him down every day or three, and get a funny shot.  Here is today's.

* Enjoy Your Slightly Used Olympic Gift!  Yesterday I purchasd my sister this cute XS USA shirt at the USA House.  Then I broke down and squeezed into it (barely) for today's Men's Gymnastics Final.  As my brother said, "Just tell her it has real Olympic sweat on it, just not an athletes."  Kendall, Merry Christmas.

The Crapper - Midwest Edition

Ah, it's been so long since I crapped here at the Catch Up Lady! I've had this one ready to go for awhile, but was awaiting further photographic evidence - since some of this you have to see to believe. Like me with a giant 12 gauge. So, without further ado...

 * Be Afraid. Turns out I'm pretty nasty with a shotgun. Oh, you thought bloggers who worship at the alter of J.Crew and are frequently spotted wearing more madras than the eye can process wouldn't be good with a rifle. THINK AGAIN. I was the teen .22 riflery champion in back to back years my week at Camp Michigania.  Since then I've been aggressively conditioning my eye hand coordination with Beer Pong - which  assisted me greatly as I tried my hand with a shot gun last month.   Somewhere clay pigeons are weeping little orange tears, I shot 9 out of 10 on my first round.

* Signs You Can Believe In! Some signs that you see up in Northern Michigan you just can't get behind. Like the one I saw near Boyne City boasting "The World's First 24 Hour Internet Cafe" at a local Days Inn. But, THIS one that my sister saw seems 110% believable. Apparently, further on down the road was actually the "World's Largest" assortment of beef jerky. Having seen the "meat snack stands" in various gas stations Up North, I have no problem believing in either one.

* Just Awesome. And then there are the things you come across when you least expect it. Like this Beer Cave I found somewhere on 127. I didn't even know these existed. But I love them.

The Crapper - Game Show Edition

Because many of my favorite programs are STILL not back up and running, I have found myself in front of an inordinate number of game shows recently. My thoughts are as follows:

* Deal or No Deal - What the HELL people, haven't you all heard of probability? It NEVER ceases to amaze me the way people keep picking and Picking and PICKING those stupid cases, as the number of opportunities for success "on the right" dwindle. And they're urged on by the freaking crowd who are apparently rejects from Are You Smarter Than a Fifth Grader. If I was there I would stand up like the dork I am and scream, "Do you REALIZE that you only have like a .00008% shot of walking out of here with anything more than $1000? Take the deal you MORON."

* 1 versus 100 - Man, talk about an easy way to win money (assuming of course you have more than 7 brain cells to rub together.) The questions they ask are ABSURDLY easy (assuming of course you haven't been in a coma for the majority of your life.) Where do I sign up for this one?

* Celebrity Fit Club - Ok, not really a "game show" per se but I just need to say this - can SOMEONE (I don't care who) get Dustin Diamond OFF of my television? His antics (as viewed through previews and commercials ALONE) are totally ruining Saved By the Bell for me.

* Dancing With the Stars - Speaking of programs that aren't really game shows involving people that drive me nuts - Samantha Harris. Let's talk. Her total F up on live TV aside, she really REALLY bothers me. First of all, her hand gestures are beyond distracting. Second of all, Madonna called, she wants her man arms back. Third of all, I don't know I think I should stop this post now, the my trian of constructive thought has clearly derailed.

The Crapper - 9th Edition

With out further ado, the Crapper....

* New York Times Vows - Because I'm a hopeless WASP, I subscribe only to the New York Times Sunday edition. And I read the Sunday Styles section first. Which means, relatively early on my Sunday mornings I come face to face with the Vows section. While some girls read the the mushy stories of how people met and ponder their wedding day, I am continulously distracted by the awful fucking wedding portraits. It's like, you know what? You're in the freaking New York Times. You want me to believe that that's the BEST pictures the two of you can take together? You look like you were hit in the face with a sack of nickles. Perhaps you should reconsider those vows.

* Bad R&B - It's been a bit too long since I last talked about my undying love for tragically bad R&B. I was watching 8 Mile the other day and it struck me how ridiculously awesome the soundtrack was. I attempted to discuss this with my 22 year old co-worker the next day. Now, I'm like 27 - not exactly over the hill - but apparently old enough to know all the words to Michigan native Adina Howard's "Freak Like Me." FYI - no my 22 year old colleauge has not heard of the song, and no, singing the chorus, "And we can WOOF WOOF any time of day it's all good for me..." does not help jog any memories. Sweet.

* Rock of Love II - Not enough of my shows are back to warrant a State of My Shows post, but I will say that Rock of Love II is just as absurd as the original. I'm now convinced that Bret is just a total sex hound (not that this was a huge stretch to begin with). His only interest is banging chicks and convincing the producer's that he's into "the process" enough to generate another edition.

* CSI Update - I just finished watching Season 5 on DVD - that shit with Nick getting buried alive was INTENSE! Yes I realize that watching all of them on DVD will mean that I can never watch another Spike marathon ever again. But, such is life. Gill and I will live. Happily. Together. I swear I'm mentally stable.