Catch Up Lady

Clear Pass Meets Untimely End, Collective WTF From Biz Travelers Nationwide

You can imagine my surprise Tuesday morning when I received an email from Clear Pass (aka my golden ticket of travel that allows me to bypass long security lines at undesirable airports)  informing me that effective that morning, Clear Pass lines around the country would cease to exist.  Cause stated had something to do with lack of funding from a senior creditor.

Are you FUCKING kidding me?  First of all, lack of funding?  This isn't some SV start up by a bunch of college kids! Clear Pass had been collecting 10 cards and ocular scans from hundreds of thousands of people at $135 a pop.  This has to have been the biggest scam since Cash 4 Gold.  I'm so so pissed.  Make that doubly pissed because I have to fly out of the hell hole that is Dulles Airport on Friday.

The Bachelorette: A Rant

The other week I rededicated my life to fitness for the gagillionth time.  The upshot of this is that I am now exposed to a vast array of crappy summer programming that comes on around 8pm while I'm at the gym.

Last night I caught some sort of Bachelorette back-to-back episode thing.  Despite the fact that it totally blew I was sucked in.  It's been awhile since I had a good Rant...so here we go.

This woman Jillian is such a wet rag - so far I do not find her dynamic or interesting.  Apparently she was some cast off from The Bachelor that everyone loved.  She does seem like a real person - which is a plus - just not anyone I'd want to hang out with.  Case and point, it is discovered one of the guys on the show still has a girlfriend, and there is some mystery over who it is.  Instead of walking into that room, dropping some F-bombs, and grab, twist and pulling until she found the dirt bag she states that this is the "rudest, rudest thing I've ever known in my entire life."  O RLY?  C'mon Jillian, grow a pair, kick that loser to the curb and don't forget to kick him once in the face before you walk away.  (And, who goes on national TV with a girlfriend?!)

The guys are not that much better - exactly the ratio of good guys to bad guys to boring guys we've come to expect from these shows.  Profession-wise there is the usual smattering of brokers, restauranteurs and real estate developers - and then a bunch of dudes who have jobs that are TOTALLY AND COMPLETELY ABUSRD and a clear attempt to "diversify" the profession pool.  A vintner?  Do you REALLY know any 29 year old vintners?  Let's be real.  Pizza entrepreneur? Uhhh, what?   Break dance instructor?  I was not aware that break dancing was still legal.  Baseball camp owner?!  Holy hell, paging Tom Emanski...

At any rate, clearly I'm DVRing this show - I have to find out what happens to these asshats.

TSA: Simpliflying Our Air Travel.... Or Are They

Alrigggghty folks.  I've been traveling more than my fair share lately, and every time I go through security I am confronted with the MORONIC "Simplifly" your packing poster.  I'm told you can get tossed in the clink for taking pics of airport security (like it's some big secret...), and unfortunately the sign has never been placed in a discrete enough locale for me to get off a shot of it. However, that was before I got my iPhone. No one can tell what the hell you're doing on an iPhone anyway, so I was finally able to snap this beaut.  

Now, let's really LOOK at this thing. Screw packing tight and right, the person with this bag is clearly a terrorist.  I mean, who has a carry-on filled with a man's sized, military green button down, a full sized hairbrush, shitty orange flip flops, miscellaneous unidentifiable electronics, some sort of titanium glasses case, three Sir Marksalot permanent markers, a blackberry with the charger still plugged in, a mouse with no computer and what appears to be a heating pad? REALLY?

Every time I see this poster I just stare and stare.  And, while I still haven't figured out how they put together the bomb together, I'm sure someone knows.  At least TSA is hip to it for some reason or another.

1-800-Mattress > DC's Diamond Cab

I've been trying to find a way to blog about the efficiency and wonder that is 1-800-Mattress for the last few days - and this morning at 5:10am I  finally found the perfect tie in..

I'm off to NYC for the day for work.  Being all Type A and shit, I obviously called to reserve a cab for a 5:10am pick up yesterday afternoon.  5:10am came and went.  I called Washington, DC's Diamond Cab, and after three attempts to break through their hold music was informed that there were "no cabs in my area," and it was "unclear" when a cab would become available.  Um, seriously, what the fuck.  And here our parallel begins.

While Diamond Cab  is apparently totally incapable of ensuring you a cab with a days  notice - you can in fact call 1-800-Mattress and order a full fucking bed set which they will not only procure for you, but deliver and set up in 24 hours.   This is how I got my bed five years ago - I called and said I wanted a full sized bed of medium squishiness.  The next day these brawny dudes showed up and did everything except put the freaking sheets on and arrange my throw pillows.  (An experience mirrored by nearly a dozen of my friends who have also used 1-800-Mattress.) What's wrong with this picture?! 

In other news, the guy sitting next to me on the train seems to be drenched in designer impostor cologne - another nuisance that befalls me most time I travel.  Am I supposed to be turned on by this?  You know those Axe commercials are fake, right?  I'm sure he'll start snoring any minute now.

New Year, New Rants

What better way to start off the new year than with a new travel rant? Having just spent the better part of 6 hours held hostage at O’Hare, and an hour on the tarmac in Detroit, I have a few observations to share…

- Why don’t airports have free Wireless? No, seriously. I think it’s to keep people from live blogging horrendous travel experiences.

- Some people are brutal travelers. The stuff I overhear in airports is just stupid. Par example, I was sitting at the gate of my thrice delayed flight and I overhear some guy on his cell phone saying, “Well I’m looking at the monitor and it looks like we’re boarding in 10 minutes…” I’m like, “Hey dumb ass! Look out the window – WE DON’T HAVE A PLANE YET.”

- Which brings me to another thing – airports should have quiet areas like the AmTrak trains do. I mean, you show me a boarding area that is free of screaming kids and loud mouths on cell phones and I will show you…um, happy travelers or something. No one cares less than me about some lady’s chronic inability to keep track of her glasses, or the randar that gave some chick’s friend’s friend his number on New Years Eve.

In other news, I spent about 10 minutes scouring the newspaper stand for the latest edition of Wired Magazine (did I mention my raging New Years hangover?) I felt like a total and absolute moron trying to locate the god damn thing. I finally found it around a bend in some special business section. I guess they figure if you’re smart enough to read business mags you can probably find them in a 200 square foot kiosk…and I mean, I found it and everything.

Once I located and purchased said magazine I was thrilled to discover a special two page spread solely dedicated US airports with the worst travel delays entitled “Are We Airborne Yet?” Much to my TOTAL and COMPLETE surprise O’Hare was ranked 31st out of 32 airports with 29.9% of all departing flights delayed for an average of 62.8 minutes. (For the record, Newark is #32.)

11 hours later, I am home in DC, unfortunately my bag was not so lucky and is spending the night in Detroit (serves me right for breaking my cardinal rules of travel - never connect, never check). According to Wired, my travel woes (and ensuing rants) would be significantly curtailed if I spent more time flying in and out of Oakland, Salt Lake City and San Diego (the #1, 2 and 3 cities for on time depatures),

Tonight's forecast - low of 31, strong possibility of ice pellets

Has it been just 9 days since my last weather rant? Well then I'll take it easy on you. Long story short (or as short as I'm capable of), we've been anxiously awaiting this "big storm" in DC. The midwest is getting slammed, New Englad is hunkering down... and we're getting ice pellets. Quoi? Ice pellets?! Damn. That sucks.

In other news, this is kind of why I love Weather Underground. Weather.com would give you some boring ass forecast like "freezing rain" or "sleet". Wunderground really takes it to the next level.

Washington, DC and Snow - Another Rant

Before I left my apartment this morning, I already knew that my life was going to be in mortal peril.  Why, you might ask?  Because DC had its first "legit" snowfall last night (1 - 2 inches tops) - which means that overnight the city was magically transformed into the world's largest ice luge.   The photo at left was taken on my way to work this morning. 

DC has not gotten the memo that not only do first world metropolitan areas in the northern hemisphere generally provide snow removal services, but that if you remove the precipitation while it's still snow - it does not become ice. 

I mean, I know DC is kind of "southern" but we get slammed with snow and ice enough times a year that:
a) the city should be clearing public areas (where are the Bobcats?!);
b) stores and office buildings should be all over snow and ice removal - none of this salting at 10am crap; and
c) the citizens SHOULD LEARN HOW TO DRIVE in inclement weather conditions.

I really can't stress point C enough.  I'm afraid to drive in this sort of weather here - not because I can't handle myself in the snow (18 years of Michigan and Boston living taught me ONE thing), but because people around here are total ASSCLOWNS.  And lest you think that walking is a viable option, I actually feel MORE threatened when I'm walking because people seem to spin out in the most inconceivable locations known to man.

For more of my thoughts and feelings on this, check out the first installation of my DC and Snow - A Rant series, penned last winter.

Fake Kaitlyn must be stopped!

We often talk to our clients about search engine optimization and making sure that their product, company, campaign, whatever is well represented among the top results in the major search engines. After all, a study has shown that over 60% of people don't go beyond the first page of search results and 90% don't go beyond the first three pages.

So, I decided to Google myself for the millionth time and see how I was doing in the share of voice department. 17 of the first 20 results are me, so I'm batting about 85%. HOWEVER, Kaitlyn Wilkins, a 5 year old pageant queen from Salem, IL CONTINUES to encroach on my top 10 results page - three years after the pageant! She has been up there since the only thing about me online was the fact that I was Fire Chief of Tower Court at Wellesley College my sophomore year (I got preferential housing - give me a break.). I mean seriously, who would have guessed the Salem Times-Common was so well optimized? Their Church News and Court Docket sections must be incredibly popular.

Ok ok, even I won't openly hate on a 5 year old. I know it's not Kaitlyn II's fault that the Salem Times-Common turned her into my arch enemy at such a young age, but seriously - what have you done for me lately? I might feel better about this if Kaitlyn II was shooting up the ranks of the Illinois beauty pageant circuit or something. (Ok, actually I wouldn't because I'm a competitive bitch, but seriously does anyone else feel my pain? Who's butting in on your millisecond of Google fame?)

Cusp - Pushing me to the brink

Hello friend.  It's been far, far to long since my last Rant on this blog.  So take a seat and witness my fury, which today is directed at Cusp, the new upscale clothing boutique from Neiman Marcus in Georgetown.

For those of you who don't know me, I'm no crunchy hippy with a bone to pick against the latest "establishment" store on M Street.  I'm a Diane Von Furstenberg wearing, Tory Burch flat buying prepster with a penchant for designer clothes and shoes (when I can find the budget, which is actually not that often - but I digress).  In short, I'm Cusp's target market - in fact, I was there this weekend.

So, why the change of heart?  Because every day when I walk home from work I walk by the store.  And more days than not, their gigantic, 12-foot high, double wide, trendy doors are standing WIDE open - blasting cold air out onto M Street.  By now you're probably realizing I'm "some sort of Big D Democrat", and you're right. 

Seriously, WHAT are they thinking?  I feel bad when I leave my A/C on when I'm at the gym, and they are apparently singlehandidly trying to aircondition the entire Georgetown shopping district.  Is your strategy that the blast of cold air is going to entice me to come into your store and fondle designer threads, and then in my frosty bliss throw down $400 for a pair of pants?  If it is, it's not working.  Every day when I trudge home in the 100 degree + weather I feel the breeze, and it makes me want to slam the doors shut and bitch smack the regional manager who came up with that plan.  Probably not the reaction they're going for from a 26 year old woman.  Lucky for me, Intermix is right down the street.  (If they start leaving their door open too I'll be really effed!)

The State of My Shows II: Bad Summer TV

I was home tonight trying to find something good to watch on TV, which took awhile, because summer programming is brutal. What happened to dynamic summer series? Remember when Nip/Tuck was on in the summer? Those were the days. At any rate, as I was flipping through the channels I had an epiphany. Several actually. And because I'm bored and have a vehicle to share these thoughts with you, please read on...

1) What's up with AWFUL American talent competitions? I can barely tolerate American Idol. But So You Think You Can Dance? America's Got Talent? America's Next Big Thing? Seriously people, I feel comfortable saying there is NO talent left in America. Let's move on.

2) Law and Order Criminal Intent is mIIII-serable. To say I'm obsessed with Law & Order SVU would be putting it mildly. However, that deep love does not extend to Criminal Intent, which features the daughter from "What About Bob" all grown up, some dude who sounds blown out all the time and was once in a movie with Vince Vaughan, and Angela Bassett's husband. This show is so bad they pulled it from NBC - unfortunately this means it is cluttering up USA now and cutting into my SVU rerun time.

3) Is that Lauren Holly commercial for March of Dimes Walk America running anywhere else? It looks like it was shot as part of a high school film project and Holly looks like she's been hit in the face with a sack of nickels. Remember how cute she was in "Dumb & Dumber"? I hope it's just the lighting doing her wrong.

4) I finally settled on watching I Love The 90s: 1998. WAIT - 1998?!?!?!!!111!! Are you kidding me? I, like, REMEMBER 1998! Those shows are supposed to feature stuff I can vaguely recall, like Terminator I or Shrinky Dinks not Dawson's Creek, Frasier and Jay & Silent Bob. In addition, Aaron Karo has been added as one of the random ass talking heads. Wasn't he the dude who authored the Ruminations on College Life email digest? How the HELL did he get famous? Maybe there is hope for me. Check out I Love The 20s: 2022, where the Catch Up Lady will be prominently featured.

Ahhh, I feel better venting. Just a little over 2 months until fall premiers. I can almost taste How I Met Your Mother Season 3! I'm going to read a book.